When Foods Attack aka Jean is Mean
by Utero Texans
Summary: Umm, well, this story takes place after Christmas. When everything is left over...insanity ensues.


When Foods Attack, aka Jean is Mean  
  
By the Utero Texans  
  
Hi, we are the Utero Texans! You might know us as the fabulous Yelhsa D, or the phenomenal Persephone. This fic was written over AIM. Beware: Evan bashing (literally) is ahead. Mwahahaha.  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own 'em.   
  
  
  
  
Scott Summers was a stud. At least, that's what he kept telling himself as he ran to catch the pass from Evan. Rogue likes me, he thought, and so does Kitty. Jean can't keep her hands off me...  
  
He only remembered that Jean was a telepath as the artichoke hit him in the ear.  
  
"Aack!" He yelled. "What was that for?"  
  
The regal redhead merely raised an eyebrow, and said, "What do you think, stud?"  
  
Scott mumbled, "Know-it-all," under his breath, and began to remove the firmly lodged artichoke from his ear. Just as the artichoke came out with a quiet plopping sound, Evan, being the airhead that he was, yelled, "Catch!"  
  
The cheesecake that they had been tossing around in place of a pigskin came flying towards Scott. Before he could think anything other than how the cheesecake, death by chocolate in flavor, would stain his Abercrombie and Fitch polo shirt, the deliciously edible missile hit. Right smack in the center of his shirt.  
  
"I'm gonna kill you, you toothpick making coat rack! I'm all cheesecakey!" Scott wailed in anger. Jean just laughed hysterically as Scott stomped off into the mansion in what guaranteed to be a first class hissy fit. As he entered the hall, he heard Kitty's voice coming from her room.  
  
"I'm telling you Rogue, I smell cheesecake."  
  
"But Ah smell chocolate! Ah'ma tellin' ya, there's chocolate somewhere around here."   
  
Scott, with terror in his eyes, tried to dive into any nearby room as their bedroom door creeped open.  
  
"Chocolate!" yelled Rogue.  
  
"Cheesecake!" exclaimed Kitty. They honed in on the Death by Chocolate Cheesecake-covered boy.   
  
"Mmm..." Rogue said as she scraped some of the chocolaty goodness off, and licked it off her finger.  
  
"New York style..." Kitty murmured.  
  
"Not from the box." Rogue agreed.  
  
"What difference does it make? It's still covering my shirt!" Scott yelled, distressed over the clothing disaster. Scott then ran up the stairs to his room, with Kitty and Rogue trailing behind him, trying to lick all the cheesecake off his shirt.  
  
Jean, who had followed the cake covered mutant, fell to the floor, writhing in laughter over the unconventional scene. Unfortunately, Evan had been practicing with his little toothpicks in the hall, and Jean rolled right onto one.  
  
"AAAaaagghhhhh!!" The high-pitched shriek reverberated throughout the mansion, its grounds, Bayville, and the tri-county area. "EVAN!"  
  
"Uh-oh" Thought the porcupine-like boy, running one hand through his hair, which looked like a psychotic barber had gone razor-happy on his head. The enraged redhead levitated herself out a window, and hovered over the frightened boy.   
  
"GGRRRRR!" Cried the telepath. " I AM PHEONIX! CELESTIAL POWER INCARNATE! YOU HAVE SUMMONED MY WRATH, MORTAL!" Lightning flashed, brilliant flames surrounding the glowing mutant, and fearful music drifted from the heavens. Evan curled up in a fetal position, muttering, "No! Bad light! Bad! I'm a good little boy! I am!"  
  
This seemed to startle the fearful Phoenix, who was not used to her foes crumbling into pitiful balls of spiky mush so quickly. She looked around. "Wait a minute. Wrong show!"  
  
With a startling display of high-budget pyrotechnics, the Phoenix disappeared and the comparatively calmer Jean appeared with a camera in hand, and began to click away.  
  
"Ha ha!" Jean cackled. "Blackmail!"  
  
Then, from the mansion's impressive kitchen, a parade of leftover ham and turkey marched towards Evan, propelled by Jean's telekinesis.   
  
Jean threw her head back, and laughed evilly into the wind. "MWAHAHAhaha! I've got you, Evan, and your little dog, too!"  
  
Evan pitifully lifted his head, and mumbled through the turkey leg trying to make its way down his throat whole, "I don't have a dog."  
  
A small poodle whimpered as a ham hock whacked it.  
  
"Oh. Sorry." Jean said, and the poodle limped away as the leftover food continued to pummel Evan, as well as snap pictures of the whimpering porcupine-boy.  
  
Meanwhile, back in the mansion...  
  
Scottie glanced around frantically, then spotted his way to freedom. Well, a way to keep these insane girls from licking him.  
  
The bathroom. (cue Yelhsa D singing a sort of heavenly music... aaawww)  
  
Scottie darted inside, then slammed the door. Safe, he thought, then glanced down at his ruined shirt. Such a shame. The two girls were banging on the door, but there was no way that they could get in....  
  
Kitty then phased through the locked door. Scott stared aghast for a minute as Kitty calmly said, "Smooth move, Scottie."  
  
She unlocked the door, and Rogue entered the bathroom. Scottie looked around frantically, hoping to see some sort of escape from the ravenous females. Sink, window, toilet, shower....  
  
Shower! If he could get all the chocolate cheesecake off, the girls would have no reason to attack and humiliate him. Scottie edged towards the shower, hoping that his villainous plot would remain undetected until it was too late...  
  
And he leapt into the shower in a chocolate cheesecake scented blur, reaching a speed and agility he had never managed to show on the battlefield. Unfortunately, his foot caught the edge of tub, and he fell in face first.  
  
"Duj!" he muttered, then tried to twist his body around until the knobs were within reach. He turned the knobs hastily, and was suddenly freezing cold water poured over him. Kitty and Rogue collapsed to the floor, writhing with laughter at Scottie as he sputtered and yelped in the tub. Kitty then fell through the floor, her giggles still heard below as Rogue laughed to the point of crying.  
  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
  
Jean was still pummeling Evan with leftovers when he was suddenly struck by a burst of adrenaline.  
  
"Hai!" he cried as he sent out two large spikes, which turned the leftovers into two large shish kabobs. He tried to make a running leap at jean, but she calmly stopped him with her telekinesis.  
  
"You'll have try better than that, little boy." Jean chuckled in a sinister tone. She sent Evan flying into the mansion, smiling as she heard his crash landing. She then settled herself by the pool, and picked up her romance novel. "Stupid children, always getting in my way." she muttered snootily before becoming engrossed in the novel.  
  
  
  
Back in the bathroom...  
  
  
Kitty burst through the door, panting from racing up the stairs, and yelled at Rogue, "You better not have eaten all my cheesecake!"  
  
"All of YOUR cheesecake?" Rogue snapped. "All of MY cheesecake, you mean."  
  
Several insults later, Kitty and Rogue began smack at each other, then throw punches.  
  
"Valley girl!" cried Rogue as she hit Kitty in the stomach.   
  
"Goth!" Kitty exclaimed as she punched Rogue on her eye. On her bare skin. The contact was only for a few seconds, long enough for Kitty to collapse and Rogue to gain some of her personality.  
  
"Like, what was that?" Rogue asked, dazed. She nudged Kitty with one clunky boot, then gaped at her shoe. "What am I wearing?" She cried, and caught a glimpse of herself in the bathroom sink. "Ugh!" She cried, washing the heavy, dark make-up off. She then proceeded to skip to her and Kitty's room, and dug around Kitty's closet.   
  
"Much better." she muttered, eyeing herself in the mirror. She was dressed in Kitty's usual pink attire, and had put on pink lipstick. "Like, something's missing, though." She snapped her fingers, realizing what had been missing as she grabbed a pink scrunchie and pulled her hair back.  
  
"Hmmm, I wonder if Lance would like to go to the mall this afternoon?" Rogue thought to herself, then ran out of the mansion in search of the mutant.  
  
Jean, still reading at the pool, raised an eyebrow as she heard some one who sounded remarkably like Rogue in the distance. "Lance, Lance, wait up! Why are you running! I just want to talk! Lance! La-aance!!"  
  
Jean shook her head. Then started to giggle uncontrollably as Scottie appeared. He was soaking wet, covered in a brown goo that smelled amazingly like chocolate cheesecake, and looked miserable.  
  
"What happened to you?" She managed to get out.  
  
Scottie scowled, and managed to tell the high points of his horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad day out.  
  
"Ooh, you poor baby!" Jean crooned to him. She rose from her lounge chair, and sauntered over to him. "I know just the thing to make you feel better."  
  
"And what would that be, Jean?" Scottie choked out.  
  
"Just, THIS!" With that, Jean shoved Scottie into the pool.  
  
And so, with Scottie sputtering and soaked for the second time that day, Evan bruised and battered by leftover food, Rogue chasing Lance in a very Valley way, Kitty unconscious, and Jean laughing, this silly fic is concluded. 


End file.
